We're Having A Baby!!!!! My Honest Journey To Pregnancy & Motherhood

welllllllll, WHERE to begin??? We are having a BABY! 

….I literally just got chills typing that.^^

I can’t even describe how happy, exciting, nerve-wracking, all-consuming, [insert-every-emotion-ever] that this journey has been. 

First things first, i TOTALLY understand that this can be a sensitive topic. If this post is of interest to you, great! If this post isn’t for you, truly nooooo problem.

I completely understand that we all come from different perspectives, histories, and experiences with pregnancy, fertility, having kids, not having kids, etc. Your perspective and emotions are valid, and I hope you interact with this post in a way that best serves you :)

In this post, I am just sharing MY experience. It may resonate, it may not– but it’s mine. I am an open book, and this is a peek in what I experienced in the decision to have kids (or not), feeling “ready”, preparing myself mentally, physically, emotionally, and ultimately– getting pregnant! Eeeeee! 

deciding we were “ready”

Here’s the thing— I have allllllways been baby obsessed. I am one of those people that just LOVE babies & all things pregnancy & maternal-child health, & labor & the beauty of motherhood. Hearing people’s birth stories is my FAVORITE thing, I babysat all the time in high school, I worked in pediatrics as a nurse, I did a majority of my undergraduate research on maternal-child health, I LOVED my labor & delivery clinical….

In so many ways, I was just drawn to women’s health, pregnancy, babies, kids, ALL OF IT, and it just “clicked” with me— both on a knowledge-level and a soul-level. I was drawn to it. It fascinated me. I found it quite instinctual to understand (on a science/physiology level). and I find it soooo beautiful (on a human, soul level).

….but, that was always with other people’s babies.

To be honest, I was a bit scared and hesitant of having kids of my own. That just felt like a whoooooole new league, and I was lowkey terrified about how having kids would change my life.

Because, to be honest, I always pictured being a mom and truly believed in my gut that I would have kids “one day”— buuuut, when I tried, I could *also* picture a happy life where we didn’t have kids. It was a little less instinctual to envision, but I could picture it. I truly believe there are pros and cons to EVERY thing, and the massive honkin’ decision of having kids was no exception.

It’s hard to describe, but when I pictured my future life— I did picture kids & the love & joy & beauty of motherhood (seriously, so, so beautiful), buuuuut I also am a realist with it and knew that it would require a lot of hard work, lifestyle changes, logistic challenges, etc. It was an odd push-pull— like in my gut I wanted it so bad, but I was a quite scared of how it would completely overhaul my life, as well.

The truth is, we LOVE our life just as a little fam of 2 and that felt scary to “give up”. We love the freedom, time to ourselves, ability to travel, financial freedom, just kind of the general ability to live rather selfishly just the two of us without being “held back” by kids (I don’t like that term, but I can’t really think of another way to phrase it).

Like, this stage of life with just Adam and me has been REALLY fun & fulfilling & peaceful for both of us, so we really wanted to be clear on what we wanted going forward. We talked about the pros of having kids, and of not having kids. We talked about the cons of having kids, annnnd of not having kids. We talked about what felt right in our gut & what the different “paths” could look like.

So we talked about it— a lot. On the reg. Openly. Honestly.

We knew that we wanted to go into parenthood very intentionally & truly consider if it was the best choice for us. Even though I felt confident I wanted to be a mom, to me, it gave me peace to know that I truly considered not having kids, as well (if that makes sense????).

Like, to me, knowing I made the best decision for myself means I considered all of the options. That’s just how my brain works. I don’t like to pick something by default— I like to pick it with purpose.

There are a lot of big choices to make in your life, and the HUGE decision to become a parent was not going to be a decision I was going to make on autopilot, ya know???? I think so often people just ASSUME that having kids is the next “right” step after finding someone, getting married, buying a house, etc.

(and, to be clear, I fullllllllly respect the decision to have kids or not to have kids. Women do not HAVE to become mothers & I allllllways support anyone doing what feels best for you and your partner. There is not one “right” way to live your life!).

So, while we were 85% sure we wanted kids— one thing was 100% for sure— we really wanted a few years of marriage just for us! A few years just to solidify ourselves as a couple, as a unit, roommates, teammates, LIFEmates before adding lil nuggets to the mix. 

….and I am soooooooo thankful for the 4+ years of marriage we took just for us before kids. This time was truly of the best choices we’ve ever made. Our marriage is rocksolid, our friendship is rocksolid, and how we “operate” as a unit (day-to-day life, finances, work ethic, household chores, date nights, travel, hobbies, etc.) have really had a chance to be solidified and just of “know who we are” as a couple, for lack of a better term.

Basically, we’re a good team, and the question was when we were going to BUILD on this marriage foundation we built & what that would look like.

the unofficial official “things to do before kids” bucket list:

In our conversations, it became clear, there were things that we wanted to accomplish before kids (me getting my doctorate, adam getting a certain work schedule, having our finances in a solid spot, buying our house, me getting a teaching job, business growth, lots of time with friends, date nights, and travel travel travel as much as possible, etc.)

….and so the talk of kids was often “someday” but in 2021 the timing became a lot more REAL.

So many of the “things” we were waiting on had been accomplished & done, but that didn’t mean we wanted to just automatically rush right into babymaking on autopilot because it was the next “logical” step. We still wanted to really consider if this timing felt right for us. 

Basically, as you know from this blog, I REALLY try to live my life with intention— and it’s no different with our decision to become parents. While I wanted it and pictured it, I wanted to choose it. I wanted to go into it confident, ready, and truuuuly knowing that is was the right decision and timing for us (no one else).

And, for most of the year, it didn’t quuuuuuite feel “right” yet.

It reached a point where knew I wanted kids— but not yet. I felt like 80% ready if I had to quantify it. We wanted one last summer of travel, I wanted some time off after graduating with my doctorate, we wanted to get settled in our new house, i was starting a new job, teaching at a college, etc. We were getting more and more “warm” to the idea, but not quite there yet.

So, we waited, trusted our guts,  and played it by ear.  

A very meaningful convo in a Thai restaurant in Copenhagen hahahahah 

One of our “bucket list” things before kids was our trip to Denmark. I know I’ve said it already, but it truly was our fav trip ever. 

And while there were many special moments of this particular vacation, one that sticks out was our last meal on our last night. We were at this random thai restaurant and as we reflected on the trip and how many places we have gone together, past travels, future travels, and what was “next”. 

annnnd we realized that when we really pictured what was “next”, it wasn’t a specific vacation. it was a whoooole other adventure— having kids.

Weirdly (and unexpectedly), the Denmark trip unintentionally just felt like the final “checkmark” on the must-do-before-kids bucket list???? We just had this CLARITY that we felt “satisfied” with the time we had without kids, and now the time was coming for kids. To put it simply, we couldn’t think of anything else we were “waiting for”.

We didn’t go into that meal with expectations to discuss family planning and a HUGE life discussion— but, in that moment, we both just like felt it that we were ready and had this oddly powerful sense of clarity. We were READY!

This convo felt so clear & peaceful– like, we literally both teared up. in this random restaurant in copenhagen. just crying happy tears over chicken pad thai. Hahahhaha. SO random, but it just felt like one of THOSE special life moments that I’ll remember forever. It just felt like this really vivid moment where we knew we were on the right path & ready for what was to come.

That said, we still didn’t want to rush into “trying” right after Denmark. So we thought we’d give it a few more months to make SURE we were ready, so time so I could get settled in my new job, time to really focus on prepping my body/health for pregnant, move into our new house, etc. etc. etc. We felt ready emotionally, but not yet ready from a timing/logical perspective.

ya know, I never pictured deciding I was “ready” in a random thai restaurant in Copenhagen, but life had other plans, ha!

My personal experience [as a driven woman] feeling “ready”

I once heard a quote that said, you are ready to have kids when you TRULY feel like all things you will gain from having a kid outweigh all the things you are giving up to have kids. I loooooved that perspective.

And for the last few years, I didn’t feel “ready” in that way. The things I was “giving up” felt more important in that life stage than having kids (and I don’t feel guilty at all saying that). 

But suddenly, the benefits of having kids outweighed the cons. I knew that having a kid would maaajorly impact every area of my life, but I felt ready regardless. Adam felt ready. We felt ready. And while we knew having kids would change our lives in a biiiiig way, we felt ready for that change. Excited by that change. At peace with that change. 

I know a lot of people will say you never truly “feel ready” to get pregnant, but that was not my experience (or adam’s). I was READY. I felt clear, confident, and at peace with the decision that I was ready to become a mom. I know everyone is different with this, but I just wanted to share my experience that I truuuuly did feel that aha! moment of being “ready” and total clarity.

And while, to be honest, feeling this clarity was so BEAUTIFUL and powerful. my first instinct was thinking about my job, marriage, business goals, finances, freedom, career timeline, etc. etc. etc. As I'm sure you’ve gathered— I am a really driven human. I work hard. I like time for my goals. I like time freedom. I like pushing myself. I like my career. I like building my business. I like DOING. and accomplishing. and, to be honest, I really, really like living a bit selfishly (having time for my workouts, journaling, long baths, creating a schedule that works for me, etc.)

There is NO denying having a kid will shift these things. *nervous laugh*

I felt ready for it, but still VERY aware that many things were about to shift. And, in ways, that really frustrated and scared me. Would I still be able to accomplish as much? Would I still have the time/energy to prioritize my health how I like to? Would I still have the bandwidth to grow my business and flourish in my career?

Especially as a woman– I was going to be the one pregnant, I was going to be the one giving birth, I was going to be the one physically recovering from labor, doing the breastfeeding, etc. And while I literally have the BEST, most helpful partner in Adam (who I know will be suuuuuch an involved, helpful dad), there is still no way denying that pregnancy and birth still impacts the woman more– physically, emotionally, logically, etc. 

I just felt the WEIGHT of the journey I was embarking on as a woman preparing for birth, getting pregnant, giving birth, nourishing a child, recovering from birth, etc. There’s no way to sugarcoat it— it’s a LOT of time, energy, emotions, physical changes, lifestyle changes, time changes, EVERYthing changes. There was no denying that I was ready for it— but I also wanted to feel prepared for it.

And while Adam is fulllllly on board to be involved every step, he doesn’t deny it’s impacting me more. Knowing this, Adam let me know that he was ready whenever and would wait as long as *I* needed to feel “ready”, and that I alone could have the final decision in when we started trying as it was going to be much more physically/logically demanding for me, as the woman.

And, to be honest, I needed a bit of time to feel like I was “there”-- mentally, emotionally, logically, and physically. So I went on a bit of a personal “prepping to be a mom” journey hahahahh

My personal experience preparing my body (and mind) to “try”

HEALTH: Okay, you all know me, health is like my #1 in life. Hands down. So, my first instinct, was to REALLY dial in my health to set up both me and baby for a healthy pregnancy. I wanted at least a 3 month window to do this (the minimum amount of time for how long it takes for positive lifestyle changes to impact a woman’s egg quality). But, basically, I really just took my health to the next level and really tried to be diligent on the small things & big things leading up to trying to conceive for optimum hormone health, nourishment, bodily state, etc. I also had adam dial in a few health things as well (certain supplements, nutrition things, small tweaks, etc. for sperm health). Thankfully, I was already off birth control for over 4 years, I’ve been REALLY consistently track my cycle, and understand my hormones really well so I felt good here. I have soooo much to say about getting mine (and adam’s) health & hormones “prepped”  for baby that it could be it’s whoooooooole blog post (let me know if you want it!). But, basically, I wanted a few months to really fine-tune mine and adam’s health, and be in the best hormonal shape possible going into pregnancy. 

MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL: I also wanted to prepare mentally & emotionally. While I felt ready, I still had a lot of thoughts, feelings, etc. about motherhood. I journaled A LOT about my hopes for pregnancy, motherhood, etc. What did I envision? What did I hope for?  I logically wrote down things that were worrying me about becoming a mom (how I would feel about my changing body, losing freedom of time, time for my business, etc.), I wrote down positive affirmations (“I am fertile and ready to conceive”, “I will be an incredible mother”, etc.), I did meditations about fertility and motherhood, and really just tried to get my MIND in a good shape for pregnancy. This step was soooo important to me as it really soldiifed that I WAS ready– it made me excited, feel prepared, and also give me a safe space to let out those concerns and logically see what I could do to prepare. 

PARENTING AND EXPECTATIONS: Adam and I also had a LOT of conversations on what we envision for “trying” (we discussed the reality that we could easily get pregnant…. Or we could have a lot of trouble getting pregnant. How would we try to handle that? How long would we wait before seeking out help?), we talked about the fact that I could feel like $h!t during pregnancy and would probably need more support from Adam (surprise, surprise— i did), we talked about each of our expectations for ourselves/each other in parenthood  (AKA you will never hear me say my husband is “babysitting” our child. He’s just being a parent.), we talked about all of it. We talked about how we want to raise our kids, general parenting “ethos”, how we expect to show up for each other and our child. We were REALLY aligned on this (i can’t even express how incredible of a dad adam is going to be… makes me teary just thinking about it), but it just felt good to talk about it and be crystal clear on what we were getting into and what each other’s expectations are. Obviously, things will change and you can never FULLY know what being a parent will be like, but I still think it’s incredibly valuable to have this conversations ahead of time and proactively. We can adjust our sails as needed, but I am thankful that we at least know where each other are “at” and what we envision.

LOGICALLY: Logically, I needed to prepare my mind as well. As I mentioned, I am a total optimist, but very much a realist too. I like to dream in “best case” scenarios— but then ask HOW am I going to make that happen. So, I wanted to break that down and be intentional. I was looking into my work’s maternity leave, preparing what I envisioned my business to look like over the next year, 2 years, 5+ years, financial preparation for baby, birth, finances, nursery, childcare options, etc. (One random thing I am SO glad I did was start a mini savings account for my future baby a few years ago. I just did it in my fav money app, qapital, and have been passively (and automatically) been contributing to it every pay check and I am SO thankful we did this. I loved that we had quite a bit of money set aside before we started trying. Little bits of saving go a looooonnng way, and I love having money set aside for costs like nursery, healthcare costs, baby supplies, etc!) I am someone that CRAVES information and having a general “plan” so getting ready logically was really important to me. It’s not for everyone, but for me– by looking ahead, looking at the intimidating “logistics” of becoming parents head-on, and creating a VERRRRY rough plan (because we never can truly ‘plan” anything, am I right???), it still gave me peace. While NOTHING is for sure and there are so many unknowns, just to have a pretty solid idea of what we had in store for maternity leave, childcare costs, etc. was really helpful for me. 

To sum it up– I got myself ready– body, mind, and soul. The things that were making me hesitant (career concerns, job concerns, prepping my health, etc.) had been addressed, and I felt clear & at peace. I felt ready to start the process!

beginning the journey

Probably the most common question I got is what our journey to getting pregnant looked like— was baby eskuri planned? did it happen easily? How long did it take?

Annnnnd, honestly, part of me is hesitant to share this as I know that infertility and miscarriage are so common, and I really want to be sensitive to anyone who is walking that journey. Like, truly. I know people say that, but I REALLY mean that I am thinking of you, praying for you, and sending you love as you walk through whatever path you’re on.

In many ways my story of getting pregnant feels “too easy” to share, but I am reminding myself that there is power and a need for sharing POSITIVE stories too. In sharing this, I am not at all trying to be insensitive– again, just sharing what genuinely happened for us, and I wanted to share my story honestly & openly.

After I took those few months to “prep”, we set a certain month we were going to start trying…. and we were fortunate enough to get pregnant that first month.

I am SO thankful or how well I knew my cycle going into this. Going off hormonal birth control prior to being ready to kids was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made for me (I know women have so many considerations with birth control, but that’s just my experience!). After having my natural cycle for 4 years with no hormonal contraception, we were both already reallllllly comfortable identifying and aware of signs/timing of my fertile window (as we have been doing fertility awareness method as our “birth control” the last 4 years and being extra careful around that time) so, now that we were ready, we knew exactly when and how to time sex in order to optimize our chances. 

(Side note: It’s kind of funny having been avoiding pregnancy for 4 years around my natural cycle, and suddenly TRYING for it was kind of hilarious. A total reverse in “timing” compared to what we had been doing. But, again, I felt really empowered in my cycle as I have been nurturing it, learning it, and tracking it so consistently for so long so I felt equipped in AVOIDING pregnancy and TRYING for pregnaancy.)

A lot of you asked “how I knew” I was pregnant or what finding out was like, and, honestly, I truly felt like I knew I was pregnant right away the millisecond after conception hahahah– I can’t describe it, but i just like knew it.

Like, that night, I had a dream that we had a baby and it was sooo specific. I started noticing the smallest differences in my body (AKA the most insane bloat & gas i’ve ever had– ohhh heyyyyy surging progesterone), my mind (wild dreams every night. pregnancy dreams are CRAY.), changes in nutrition (more hungry than normal— but in a way that felt different than my typical pre-menstrual symptoms), and emotionally (just this gut, undeniable feeling that I was pregnant), and the WEIRDEST, most kismet signs from the universe— people telling me “i had a dream about you that…”, random quotes that were popping up, texts that were freakishly timed (IYKYK— mom).

Basically, it felt like PMS but elevated, more intense, and more sustained (instead of the more fluctuating symptoms of PMS). I felt a bit more hungry, my boobs were swollen and VERY tender (way more than normal PMS), and the bloat and water retention were unnnnnnnbelievable (i actually gained 4+ of water weight during this short timeframe. I was SO puffy, bloated, and gassy that I literally looked pregnant.). I feel like I know my cycle SO well and what I typically felt like in the luteal phase (after ovultaiton and before my period), that I could tell these subtle shifts were different, and I hoped & prayed that it meant a successful pregnancy.

I was soooo impatient to take a test I didn’t even wait for my missed period and started testing at 7 days past ovulation. I don’t recommend this if seeing negative results would rock you— but I felt mentally okay doing it even though I was likely to get negative results because I understood the logic/science/timing behind it. Even though I knew I would most likely see a negative (as chances of the zygote implanting that early are slim-to-none), I just couldn’t wait! I wanted to detect it as sooooon as I possibly could.

On days, 7, 8, 9 there was nothing on the pee sticks… negative results. I expected that, but was really just testing to see if I COULD detect it early (like the crazy person I am.) I knew that statistically the most common day for implantation of a successful pregnancy was 9 days past ovulation (which would result in the HCG rise being visible on day 10) so I was anxiously awaiting that time frame.

annnnnd, right on 10 days past ovulation, I actually got my first positive test!

when I saw that positive pregnancy test, I felt suuuuch wave of peace & excitement & joy.  i can’t even really describe it, but I am getting teary writing it. I didn’t have a feeling of “shock” or “disbelief” like some people describe— I felt such a confirmation. That this was real. That I WAS pregnant. That I was on the right path. That the timing was right. That I was going to be a MOM. (omg)

and, to be honest, this was different than how I expected to react. I had anticipated having a bit of a freak out of “holy-crap-this-is-real-and-i’m-losing-all-of-my-freedom” when I saw for sure that I was pregnant, but it was actually the exact opposite. I truly felt so AT PEACE the millisecond I saw that positive pregnancy test, and that I knew this was right. I literally cried tears of joy in the bathroom, and couldn’t waaaait to tell Adam when he got back from his run. (I was so frantic, the way I told him is SO random and hilarious, but one of the happiest moments of my life.)

We hugged & laughed & cried happy tears in the kitchen, and it was the start of a beautiful journey that we are both SO grateful to be on. 

To wrap it up

While I have A LOT to say on first trimester (*nervous laugh*), how this pregnancy has been going (physically, mentally, emotionally), and allllll the things (books I’ve read, how I prepared for pregnancy, lifesavers during 1st trimester, etc.)– I think it’s best to save them for future posts where I can be more thorough. This feels like a good place to close out :)

(side note— I’ve alsooooo thought about doing some videos on youtube in addition to the blog posts……???? Not just for pregnancy-related things, but ALL things??? Don’t expect anything fancy— just some candid chats & sharing my experience & holisitc health info, but in video format! Some things are just easier to TALK about and explain than write out, ya know???? If you want, I’d love if you followed along— just click here and subscribe! I don’t know exactly what it will look like yet, but I am super excited about the potential of sharing more video on this space!)

As I write this today, none of you know I am pregnant. I am 16 weeks in, my lil bump is startin’ to pop (omg!!), we have a midwife appt tomorrow morning, and just feeling so whole-body GRATEFUL for this little life we are lucky enough to be parents to. It is so wild that when this post goes “live”, you all will know our little secret! I feel that I’ve been holding it in for so long, and I cannnnnot wait to share it with you :)

Thank you for sharing in our joy & giving me a safe space to share this experience. We feel so so excited, and cannot wait to meet this lil nugget. What a life, what a life! 

Kate 

PS: Also, any specific questions, comments, posts you want me to cover, questions you have, thoughts, etc.?! I would truly LOVE to hear from you in the comments below. The more specific the better! I am soooo excited to share this journey with all of you (i personally LOVE reading other people’s pregnancy/motherhood perspectives), and i love hearing directly from you on what specifically you’d like me to cover!

Seriously– I’m sittin’ here, sippin’ my tea, and can’t wait to see you comments/thoughts/recommendations to come through! Grateful you’re here, friend :) Thanks for readin’.

more goodness to explore…